I awoke at 5:45am on Monday and managed to be ready for when my friend was picking me up (very unlike me). I hadn't laced my shoes, and intended to do so in the car on the way to Folkestone. Friend arrives on time (which was also very unlike him) and we loaded the car and were on our way. We get about two miles from the house and I remove a shoe to lace it. The sole feels muddy as I bring it up to my lap, and this confuses me, as I've been nowhere muddy in these shoes lately. I smell my finger. Yup. It's shit. Some bastard dog had dropped it's load outside my gate.
Back we go so I can change my shoes. Good start. Did I mention I also have a coldsore? And he's had a sore throat for a few days, and it hurts to speak. We're doing well.
However, we get to Folkestone on time. There's time for me to wash my hands a few more times as I'm now paranoid that everything I own and am wearing is covered in shite. As a precaution I soak the shoulderstrap of my bag in warm water and handwash, and remove a Potential Shit Stain from the left cuff of my jumper. Here's hoping that one was just chocolate though. Hey, it could have been.
No one checks our passports on the way to France. I find that a little odd.
We're in Calais before you can say "J'ai foulé dans la merde" ("I've trodden in shit") and my Sat Nav - the delightful Daniel - actually works in Europe despite not being able to take me to Wales in the past (apparently Cardiff doesn't exist in Daniel's eyes).
It's an easy drive to Bruges, only a few hiccups in the form of a few closed roads and a few minor freak-outs at roundabouts. Driving on the right and that. But it's fine. It's all good. The hotel even let us check-in early.
An hour or so relaxing in the room and then it's time to venture out into the cultural minefield that is Belgium's answer to Venice.
When it comes to holidays I can get a bit carried away in terms of organisation. The only time in my life when I am completely organised and on top of things is when I am planning a holiday. I had a map of places to see, with added places of interest like highly rated restaurants, chocolate shops, and so on. I had a little plastic folder full of Eurotunnel information, driving in Europe information, hotel check-in things, lists of opening times and costs of all of the sights and museums, and other bollocks I can't even remember now.
All of the canals were frozen. It was quite nice in a way. I'd have probably preferred unfrozen canal photos but idiots who go to Bruges in February can't be picky about weather and the states of water.
I didn't want to wear those shoes. I wanted to wear the ones that were covered in shit.
This was a little view I found round the back of the St Jaan's Hospitaal. The hospital smells like a hospital. That's about all I have to say about it.
This was taken in the gardens on the way out.
Next was the Church Of Our Lady. Possibly the only serious museum-type place we went inside. We didn't pay the €4 to get a peek at Michaelangelo's statue of Mary and Jesus, but intended to return the next day. Obviously it shut by the time we remembered to go back.
However, I definitely recommend going in. It's pretty impressive.
Jesus even has his own flat-screen TV.
I managed to kill the battery on my camera quite quickly snapping at mostly everything in sight. Over the two days I took 487 photos. I didn't even see everything or go everywhere.
In my opinion, everywhere you look in Bruges is a photo-opportunity. I'm surprised I haven't given myself repetitive strain injury from constant itchy trigger finger.
I may have to go back in the summer and photograph the whole place again. If the sky had remained blue for the duration I would have been over the moon.
Feel sorry for my friend. He had to put up with me...
The Burg and Markt are really nice places. The Burg more so than the Markt. I love a big building.
(Can't actually remember what one that is...)
We wanted to go in the Basilica of the Holy Blood, but both times we were outside it was shut. This was a running theme for the holiday. It's a little thing known as Poor Time-Management.
The closest we came to getting inside was to the top of the stairs in this building, about to step through a huge door into the church when a man slammed it in our faces. Gay.
The Belfry is basically the main attraction. 800 or so steps to the top of the tower gives you an amazing panoramic view of Bruges. Sounds like my cup of tea right? Photos photos photos. Unfortunately the fucking thing is being renovated, so no entry until March.
Now onto Bruges' favourite things: chips, chocolate and beer.
Me and my friend aren't the most artsy of people, so the Chip Museum (Frietmuseum), Chocolate Museum (Choco Story) and Brewery Tour (De Halve Maan) were definitely going to come before any of that art gallery nonsense.
I'm not sure if it was because it was Valentine's Day or if this is a regular window display for the chocolate shops of Bruges, but there were choco-cocks and fannies everywhere. You couldn't gaze longingly into a chocolatier's window without catching a glimpse of a big veiny knob or some marzipan nipples.
AND I DIDN'T EVEN BUY ANY.
I don't recommend the Frietmuseum. It was weird. You wander around for about fifteen minutes looking at various potatoes, peelers, mashers, cutters, fryers... and it's not interesting. My friend's face remained like this throughout:
(Apart from the section on potato instruments. He intends to make a potato slide whistle.)
We were happy that there was a canteen in the basement after wandering around looking at diagrams of chips. Decent portion of mayonnaise too.
Choco Story is brilliant. After the savoury, we headed for the sweet. Free chocolate on the way in, then the museum ends with a demonstration. We watched a bloke make some pralines, then dish them out to the audience.
After filling our bellies with chocolate it was starting to rain pretty hard so we headed back to the hotel to get drunk on rum. Passed a few more choc-cock shops on the way back.
That night we ventured out to find a restaurant. I'd planned for this. I had knowledge of six places that were open, that had a decent looking menu, and were reasonable prices. Friend didn't like the look of any once we got to them. He said we could do better, so we carried on looking. It was freezing. It was raining. I had stupid girl-shoes on. When we eventually decided on a place - as was the running theme of the day - it shut. I took a few photos of the Belfry at night, then we ended up having dinner in our hotel's restaurant (which luckily only shut the kitchen after we ordered).
I had Waterzooi just so I could say it.
Next day we decided we'd make the most of our last seven hours by trying to do as many of the things we narrowly missed the day before as possible. Did a little shopping for souvenirs to start. I bought things that Bruges is famous for: bit of lace for my mum for Mother's Day, some pralines, some fruit beers... Friend bought a lot of chocolates and this:
Then we wandered to Minnewater (the Lake of Love). Frozen like the canals. It was a nice place to walk.
We wanted to do the brewery tour and had an hour to kill before it started. We had a look at the monastery, and had a peek inside their church (must have only gone in churches the whole time we were there. Friend had a shit in the townhall toilets, but other than that it was mostly food-themed museums and churches).
I lit a candle for 50 cents (just for the hell of it) and then we went back to the brewery. Passed a few photo opportunities on the way.
This is the Gentpoort:
This is a random phallic tower that I'm not even going to pretend I know about:
These were some badger stickers on a lamppost:
Thoroughly recommend the brewery tour. The guide was amusing and did the whole thing in English (thank God).
You also get to go on the roof (cue that panoramic photo I wanted).
And it ended with a free pint in the bar:
I was made to pick a place for lunch. Seeing as we'd exhausted all of my ideas for eateries, I picked one at random. Couldn't tell you what it was called but they had flowers on the tables so I obviously started snapping away again.
Turns out I'd picked a winner. We both had massive lasagnes for lunch, and I had a Trio Hot Chocolate. White, milk and dark hot chocolates all served in little mugs, with a caramel mousse on the side.
You have no idea how pleased I was.
We wandered round some more after that. Tried to get into the Holy Blood place, tried to get a gander at Mary and Jesus in the Church Of Our Lady but failed. Ended up having more hot chocolate in a posh little tearoom with portraits of dogs dressed as men on the wall.
You pour the chocolate into the milk yourself. Once again, you have no idea how pleased I was.
The day ended here, and we headed back to Calais to catch our train home. Security more strict this side of the water. The Kent Police had a good ol' scan of our passports which was very reassuring. Anyone can get into France, whereas England is picky. I like that about my country.
